Hello! First, I’m sorry I have been so absent. I know you’re all as busy as I am, if not busier, so I won’t even try to pretend that’s the issue. I apologize for not commenting on all of your blogs, as well – I’m going to catch up with those of you I’m following this weekend.
Second, this blog is about to get uncharacteristically sappy – you’ve been forewarned.
Back to the lack of updating in here – I got a little burnt out on the dating thing, I’ll be honest. Started to feel like every guy I went out with I was trying to talk myself into liking each time I agreed to go out with him. No man instilled in me a, “Yes, I definitely want to see him again,” type of reaction. My feelings were more lukewarm, more like, “Eh, he’s kind of cute and sometimes funny, I guess I’ll see if the next date is any better.” Not realizing that lukewarm temps in the beginning stages of dating are pretty indicative of a cold future.
The “several dates” man I mentioned in my last post turned out to be a similar situation to Tiger, sadly. I went out with him more times than I should have, even realizing we didn’t have much of a connection. Let me tell you – I don’t think the man is capable of a connection to anyone but himself. Once I told him I didn’t think we should see each other and I took a step back to look objectively at our (brief) dating history it was like, whoa, what on earth was I thinking with that one? My friends really should have been harder on me about him, but, alas, I need to learn these things on my own.
Lessons learned, people. Lessons learned. Each and every guy means another lesson learned.
Another man, the one who brushed snow off my car, the man whom I can only describe as turning out be be namby-pamby (look it up), was more interested in me after our four dates than I was in him, and seeing how hopeful he was on our last date made me realize I had to end things with him, too. So far my method of telling men I don’t feel a spark has been to email them, which I feel is acceptable considering we weren’t dating very long and never spoke on the phone. Meeting in person to tell a guy you’ve barely dated seems like overkill, don’t you think? Then again, I am just fumbling along here. I am quite possibly just one gigantic dating faux pas.
With nothing but ho-hum dates behind me I started to think I was either attracting the wrong types of men or I was being too picky. And as dating blogs would remind me, I’m no prize, since I’m a mother who’s average looking and nearing 40. I can’t afford to be picky.
Mid-February I decided I’d take a break from dating. Become a gym rat, read more, stop eating out as much, sleep more than six hours a night, redefine what I was hoping to get out of a relationship (if I ever decided to date again) and enjoy some down time on my kid-free weekends in place of mediocre conversations with guys I wasn’t sure I liked.
Then someone asked me out and he seemed nice and thoughtful and smart so I went out with him and we had a great first date and an even better second and now that we’ve gone out, like, eight times or so I really like him and it’s freaking me straight the hell out.
I don’t even know if that sentence makes any sense but that’s kind of how I feel.
Feelings. Ugh. Feeling a connection with someone when I haven’t experienced that sensation in a while – let’s just say it makes me realize why I felt lukewarm about all the dates leading up to this man who makes me all bubbly and happy inside for NO GOOD REASON. With my nearly complete lack of dating experience, I guess I just didn’t know, or I didn’t remember, what it felt like to truly LIKE someone. With this man, there was no hesitation – after I met him, I definitely wanted to go out with him again. And again, and again.
I’m not breaking my rule – I won’t be spilling any details about him because I kind of want to keep these delicious, ridiculous-smile creating feelings to myself for a while. It’s still so early, things are tenuous and I realize they could fall apart at any minute. In some ways I fear that just admitting, without reservation, that I enjoy him is to invite heartbreak into my life. And that just sounds dumb. Why do we do this to ourselves?
For the first time since my divorce I have met someone I know for certain I want to know more about. I may feel that way for another few days, several more weeks, two or three months, or – who knows? – even longer. But feeling this way scares me to the point of near calamity if I let myself envision the potential fall. Which, of course I do, because I like to control things and I try to keep my heart safe by reminding myself that this fledgling romance may not lead to a lasting relationship. In other words, I’m trying to guard my heart because I realize getting dumped in the future is a real possibility. Not a fake possibility like with the other guys I realize now I didn’t actually like, therefore they couldn’t dump me.
Allowing myself to even barely hope that I could one day be in a relationship again is both wonderful and terrifying. Wonderfully terrifying. Guarding my heart isn’t ever going to lead to love. I have to let hope wiggle in a bit.
I’m making myself gag over the sentimentality of this all. “Let hope wiggle in a bit,”??!! I like being practical and logical, damn it! Talking about hope and hearts and romance – it’s just not me. Doesn’t feel like me. And yet.
No matter what happens with this man, meeting him has made me realize more of what I want in a person and, by comparing him to past dates, what I don’t want. Makes me hopeful that even if he doesn’t turn out to be a major love of my life (ahem, I don’t believe in soul mates) maybe there’s a chance someone else can be.
I hate this. I’m freaked out. I need to relax. Day by day. No rushing. I’m in no hurry. Seriously. No hurry. I realized I have no clue what to do at this point of dating – we like each other, I want to see more of him and get to know him better, but I’m also worried about coming on too strong or breaking dating “rules” I don’t even know exist – I feel like there’s some special formula where showing X amount of affection while allowing Y amount of space = perfect harmony but I AM NOT GOOD AT FORMULAS! It’s too early to be exclusive yet I fully admit I have no desire to meet anyone new right now. So I’m not going to. He can meet new people, I am not asking him to give that up, but it’s just not for me to multi-date. So no new dates for me while I figure out what’s going on with this guy I happen to like.
I want to see this him again. We have plans for the weekend. Can’t come soon enough.
Gah. What is wrong with me? I’m all googly eyed and spoony and I can barely handle it.
You might all wish now I hadn’t update the blog, after all.
Image by Daniel X. O’Neil used under creative commons license (I added the text layer).